Monday, July 17, 2006

In memory of....

I was just reading Wendy's blog at Knit and Tonic about the loss of her firstborn daughter, Eden, & it brought back a flood of memories that I've decided to share.

13 years ago in March I delivered my firstborn son, Braden. What should have been the happiest moment of my life, was my most tragic. Braden was stillborn. I can still remember the event so vividly that I'm still surprised by it. Of course it was all very tragic, but other than the moment the doctor told me he was stillborn, the most painful moment for me was leaving the hospital. With supportive family at my side, I was wheeled out of my room in a wheelchair and as we reached the elevator I thought I heard a baby cry. At that moment I realized that I was leaving the hospital without my baby. I wanted to yell "Stop! This isn't how it's done. I'm supposed to be wheeled out of here with a tiny infant in my arms."

Upon arriving home, I got into bed, curled up in the fetal position and stayed there for two days. All I wanted to do was die. Thankfully, my husband came home from work on the third day and placed a small puppy on the bed next to me. I've always been a sucker for puppies and this was no exception. Bailey, my black cocker spaniel puppy was the only thing that got me out of bed -- he had to be housebroken. I was not about to have puppy pee in my bed.

Although Bailey passed away three years ago, I will never forget how he crawled into my bed, into my heart & lifted my spirits when I was at my lowest.

I never did have any other children. My second pregnancy also failed & left a bitter taste in my mouth. Now at 37, I've resigned myself to having no children. I honestly believe that for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to have children. But.... I do have my goddaughter, my two grandsons, and seven neices and nephews (so far). I think they will keep me busy enough!

I didn't share my experience about Braden for you to feel sorry for me. I love the life I have now & I wouldn't trade it for anything. I sincerely believe that I wouldn't be where I am today if I wouldn't have gone through the experiences in my past. Everything happens for a reason.


Lynda said...

Such a sweet post - thank you so much for sharing it with us.

I also believe everything happens for a reason - and we don't always get to know that reason. All I need to know is God is sovereign and on His throne, and He loves me and HE know the reason - without TRULY believing that, there have been days I would not wanted to go on. God is good. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

jillian said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. But I am also glad that it seems you have been able to come to some terms and move forward. I can relate to how pets can lift your spirits. I went out and found my oldest cat, Topaz, soon after my mom died. I was recently living alone in a city far away from my family and had no pets for the first time in a long time. Having him to come home to made things so much better.